Interesting.

Those of you who know me well know that I have an MO: fall quickly, obsess a bit, move on but not really then over it. It's mostly mind games, in which my head convinces me that I feel a certain way because it seems like I should. Any interested is good interest, and should be cultivated.

I am, therefore, really kind of surprised how insidious it can be--actually missing someone that my heart is no kidding invested in, when my head was trying to convince me otherwise. I thought I was mentally prepared for him to be gone, since I spent the last two months working myself up for it. I didn't realize, though, how many times a day I think of things I want to say or how he would react to something and how much of that I stored up to share over dinner, beer, and Boggle. I got Boggle for Christmas and almost started crying. That is not me. Under normal circumstances, Imight have tried for some tears, because it's expected; as it was, I almost had to leave the room so no one would see. I guess that's really the litmus test for my emotion; you know it's real when I try to hide it.

Not gonna lie...I really don't like it when it actually hurts, as opposed to pain for dramatic effect. I prefer the drama to the reality.

Let It Snow

Also known as let Katie shove everything possible into her face so that she as closely resembles a polar bear--pale, fluffy, and fat--as possible.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, for the third week in a row, I have attended my WeightWatchers meeting only to see a plus sign on the scale. That is not to say that I'm anywhere near where I was in March, because I'm not. I am also, however, about 7lbs more than I was in September, which is, frankly, unacceptable. So this is how it's gonna be: Katie is going to continue going to the meetings, which is the only thing that's kept the gain that low. She's going to bring her lunch until March, with a max of one lunch out per pay period. (The added bonus is that this saves money, which is always good). And at this point I think those are the goals I'm going to have. That, and to lose another 10%--no deadline. Just make it there in a steady downward progression.

There it is: I am now accountable to someone who is not my mother. It's out there, just like it was when I first started and was doing really well.

Total loss since March: 27.9lbs (once 33.6; +1.2 from last week).


And now, a work "powm," which is at this point just an exercise.

If the frames of all the pictures in your house
remembered who lived there, once
the names of the couple in every frame
almost kissing
or the dull child whose socks pool at the ankle
would that be your epitaph?
survived by the stills as the living moved away
pulling up their socks
and finally tasting champagne on someone
else’s tongue
remembered as the paint that keeps
its original color when the frames fall
and glass shatters, cutting into your feet
when you sleepwalk and dream of bleeding.